I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I stole a fireplace last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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