I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
