put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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