Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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