Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
