I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
