areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
