So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
