I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
