before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
