had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
