i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
