does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
