The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
