Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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