doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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