he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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