Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
as a side note pls kill me
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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