craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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