good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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