Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
