paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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