so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
