the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I AM VODKA MAN
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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