well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
