you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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