eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
