you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
