i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
