Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
