Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
