Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
