as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
