I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
