M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
