Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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