Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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