i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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