I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
