Capitaan dildo arrescate!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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