the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
