If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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