Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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