Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
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Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
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