So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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