I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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