yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
