My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
