I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
