legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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