The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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