12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
