Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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