i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
