come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You took a bar mat shot.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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