We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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